In Fat Flying Babies With Bows and Arrows We Trust

Note: In an effort to keep things clean, I have replaced any particularly suggestive or disturbing items in the paragraphs below with the names of British snack foods I found here. [Link: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:British_snack_foods ]

A few weeks ago, I asked my ND&P coworkers to send me a list of things they trust in the areas of love, romance and Valentine’s Day. Of course, I got a fair amount of the classics, like chocolates and roses and Victoria’s Secret lingerie. And I got a lot of very creative and entertaining suggestions, many of which my colleagues talk about below.

But, to my continuing horror, I also got responses like this: “Remote control vibrating Toffee Crisps. Works every time.”

They say you can’t unring a bell. It turns out you also can’t un-know that one of your colleagues has a thing for Cadbury Curly Wurlies. Other things you can’t un-know: That the person sitting across the conference room table from you (shy and reserved though she may seem) has a closet full of red vinyl Penguin Biscuits at home. Or that you’re on a conference call with a guy who keeps a bag of Golden Wonders in his nightstand—the glow-in-the-dark kind, no less. How am I supposed to look these people in the eye again, knowing that not one but three of them have a Twiglets fetish? I mean, I enjoy a Walnut Whip as much as the next guy, but I’m certainly not sharing that with the people who sign my paycheck.

Anyway, my point is that you shouldn’t ask a question if you really don’t want to hear the answer. Especially around Valentine’s Day.

- John Griessmayer

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Gas station flowers, Sarah Hungate

Air Supply, Kym Davis

Lotions & oils, Jason Anderson

Slippery When Wet

Nothing says, “I love you” quite like lotions and oil. It’s no secret they are essential ingredients for a romance filled Valentine’s Day. Actually if you count prep work and recovery time it comes out to be more like a Valentine’s Week to ten days, but that’s neither here nor there.

When playing the lotions and oils card always go with quality over quantity. Believe me, a little bit goes a long way. And nothing kills the Valentine mood like showing up to a romantic rendezvous pushing a hand truck loaded with supplies. Plus, it’s impossible to look smooth while pushing a hand truck.

Lotions and oils tend to get cold rather quickly and take a mood-killing eternity to warm back up. So you should always have a back up plan to keep things toasty. Keeping a couple of tubes in your pocket is fine for beginners but I find a crock-pot plugged into a whisper quiet generator works well. If that feels a little over-the-top or creepy you can always freestyle and hope for the best.

Now there are many schools of thought on how and where to employ your slippery little friends. In every instance there are many factors to be taken into account- experience, technique, physical prowess, level of inebriation, ambition, unresolved childhood issues, etc. All I can say is that if it’s your first time, play it safe and use a 2:1 lotion to oil ratio, protect furniture and carpet with a large tarp, take it slow, and make sure to stretch beforehand.

It’s the next morning and your L&O fun is a wonderful, aromatic, fuzzy memory. What’s next? Well, throw the quality over quantity equation out the window. The exact opposite is true for the regimen of recovery/healing that starts early on February 15. If you played your cards right with the lotions and oils then nothing less than a pallet of ointments and salves will get your through the next few days. Be patient, apply liberally, get some rest and drink lots of fluids. If symptoms of 2/14 last more than four or five days, go to your local free clinic. And always, I mean always, use a false name.

Good luck

Reddi-wip, Mo Davis

Things that sparkle, Kelly Markey

The Sparkle Confessions

Never underestimate the mysterious power of things that sparkle. They have an odd ability to overpower all sense of reason and logical thought in your head and make you do things you’ll regret later on. Sparkles are pretty, right? They make everything look better, right? Wrong. Oh so wrong. And until you learn that valuable lesson, you’re bound to embarrass yourself.

I learned the hard way. Case in point:

9 years of dance costumes. The cute to ridiculous ratio of sequined dance costumes was never in my favor, except when I was 5 years old. After that, it was a losing battle.

Glitter eyeshadow and lip gloss. The essential tools of pre-pubescent beauty found in every middle school girl’s make-up arsenal in the 90’s. With names like “Iceberry Blue” and “Bubblegum Glam Girl,” not only did I relentlessly re-apply that glittery make-up at every opportunity, I actually thought I looked good. Such is the power of the sparkle.

Bedazzled t-shirts. When someone approaches you with a Bedazzler, what do you do? Step back slowly and give in to all of their demands. That’s the only reason why I ever made and wore a bedazzled, sparkling t-shirt (I swear). Don’t bother looking for the pictures. You won’t find them.

But, after years of retrospective embarrassment, how could I ever learn to trust sparkles again?

I have one word for you: Diamonds. Somewhere in my 20’s, the component of my DNA that appreciates fine jewelry activated, and from then on I’ve had a much greater love for anything that sparkles (especially if it can fit on my finger). Diamonds, emeralds and rubies have erased the shame of the past and helped me see sparkly things in a new light. Now, on holidays such as Valentine’s day, when I see something that sparkles (especially if it lies resting in a tiny box), I can trust that I will be very, very happy.

High-test perfume, Ernest DelBuono

Sensitive guy music from the 70s, Doug Cook

Sensitive 70's Guy Playlist: The Top 5

Fire & rain: James Taylor
Well, JT had hair (lots), sang like an angel and seemed to be bemoaning the plane crash death of a girlfriend from his perspective inside a mental hospital. Gently plucked guitar. Plus: freakin' great melody. Singing along in the presence of a romantic interest—even if you can barely stay in sight of the actual tune—could run your sensitivity score way up. (Plot tip: First band—the Flying Machine.)

Jackson Browne: These Days
Ok, also kinda downbeat, but very romantic in that introspective, serious way Jackson had. “I’ve been out walking, I don’t do that much talking, these days.” Not talking—very cool! Then, the dam breaks, and it’s all touchy/feelie, sensitive stuff. Doesn't hurt that his real first name's Clyde—enough to make anybody sensitive—he wrote it at 16 and German legend Nico was the first to record it.

Cat Stevens: Wild World
"Oh, baby, baby it's a wild world. Hard to get by just upon a smile." Sensitive 70s Guys sometimes moved beyond the inner sanctum of their own pretty skulls to offer a broader worldview. Cat's streaming black curls, manicured beard and sparkling soft smile didn't damage his opportunities with the fairer sex at all.

Laura Nyro: Stone Soul Picnic

Curveball!!! Yeah, I know: She's a chick—and that word is sooo 70's. The real Sensitive 70's Guy drops in a Sensitive 70s Earth Mother just to nail the whole Sensitive Seventies Guy Vibe. “Can you surry, can you picnic, whoa, whoa?” Is “surry” and “picnic” just one more metaphor for that love thang, y’all? Lemme hear an amen! All goofy gender-flecting aside, this woman can touch parts you never knew you had, not to mention your (down low for the Jack Black) "Lady."

Paul Simon: Still Crazy After All These Years
Lotsa guys roll with the idea of being crazy—in that mildly endearing, deeply introspective way. The idea of having old lovers—ones we might meet on the street, say, Bleeker Street down in the Village—well, that's pretty appealing, too. And have ourselves some beers. In 1975, Paul made it all so real. As with the best such Sensitive 70s Guy singles, it holds up pretty well, even in these whack-beyond-crazy double-naughts. Can you say “Stimulus Package”?

Too Sensitive for Words Consolation Titles:
Please Come to Boston: Dave Loggins
To the Morning: Dan Fogelberg
Time in a Bottle: Jim Croce
Just the Two of Us: Bill Withers
Baby, I’m-A Want You: Bread/David Gates

South of the Border Honeymoon Suite, Stacey Ellis