"In Mom We Trust"

Eight Rules to Successful Living (Ramblings of a Multilingual Mother)

When I was a child my mother would go on for hours extolling sage advice. Due to the fact that she often spoke in tongues or in Dutch street slang, my sisters and I rarely understood a word. Occasionally, she would drop a bit of knowledge our way in somewhat decipherable Spanglish. Here are some of those wise words that have helped me out of some tight jams and into some tight clothing–

If you choose the hobo profession, do so in a warm climate.
Don’t make your life’s goal anything that requires heavy lifting.
If you should ever happen upon Ted Turner never look him directly in the eye.
High five all you want, but never high ten.
If a rabbi, a priest and a Baptist minister ever walk into a bar, leave immediately.
Never break bread with El Chubacabra.
When the bands Kansas and Boston meet in a geographical classic rock off, bet the ranch on Boston.
Think long and hard before choosing your CB handle.

It’s been a good ride so far. Thanks Mom.

– Jason

Wisdom, and Action, Worth Heeding

1. Never pay retail.
2. Treat all people with respect.

That last one sounds, I know, a little standard, and trite—and it would’ve been except that my mom so lived up to it. It conjures up a favorite memory—the time when she saved some kids from semi-enslavement.

Long story, but she was shopping in the drug store in Kingston, Tennessee—the small town where we lived—when she noticed an unfamiliar teenaged girl. The girl then approached her with a look of distress, and discreetly passed my mom a note.

 “We’re being held, please help,” the scribbled note read.

Turns out she was one of a small cadre of kids who was being bussed all over the south and forced to sell door-to-door—kitchen supplies, I think. They were being watched so closely, they couldn’t even make a phone call.

Anyway, mom went around the corner and got a policeman (this would’ve been around 1961, the entire force numbered three, I think). The kids’ parents were notified, the ring broken up and the culprits brought up on charges.

Sounds like an Andy Griffith episode, the one where Aunt Bee gets top billing, but this real-life episode starred my mom—Janie Cook.

– Doug

"Trust Me.... Some Day You'll Understand"

Don't go to bed angry. Things will be better in the morning.
Embrace life and may life embrace you.
Parenting--you didn't come w/ any instructions!
It goes by fast, but doesn't matter how old you get, you'll always be my child.
The heart never forgets.
Think before you speak.
Always take good care of yourself.
Don't ever think of yourself as invincible; never drink and drive!
They put their pants on one leg at a time, just like everyone else!
Enter your new place w/ your right foot and a penny in your shoe.
Go out the same door you came in.
Learn from every experience and be grateful for everyday.
Don't take people for granted. Nurture relationships.
It's not enough to talk the talk, you gotta walk the walk.

– Katie’s mom, Richmond
 

They Always Know

Mothers are Psychic…they know you are going to misbehave before you do.

It was a beautiful spring day in 1975 and I was grounded.  I don’t remember the reason for this incident but groundings were usually the result of any grade on any assignment lower than a B+.  Anyway, I digress.

My mother was leaving to visit my grandfather who was in a hospital in a nearby city and would not be returning until early evening.  I was strictly forbidden from leaving the house.  No big deal…I could watch TV and gab on the phone all day.  Then my boyfriend (do you really have boyfriends at age 14?) called and wanted to go play tennis.  Oh the temptation!  And how would she ever know?  I mean, she was over 30 miles away!  So off I go for my innocent little game of tennis.

An hour or so later I smugly skip back to the house quite sure that I had pulled one over on her.  Then, to my utter horror, the door key was NOT under the mat!  Did she remove it on purpose in anticipation of my disobeying her orders to stay in the house?  I just had to find a way in.  I started trying all the windows:  Kitchen, no; den, no; laundry room, wait, it’s giving…UH OH…the burglar alarm is triggered and the window is not moving another millimeter.  Let me tell you that this is not one of those relatively quiet alarms that alert your neighbors and ADT.  This alarm could probably be heard in the next county.  I tried all of the other windows but no luck.

So I ran up the street to my best friend’s house and tell her and her mom – who happened to be really cool – what had happened.  About that time, police cars start pouring into our cul-de-sac.  So I had to walk down the street, luckily with the cool mom, and explain what happened.  Of course the cops giggled knowing that I was in big trouble when mom got home.  They said they would notify the station of the situation so that the operators could handle the NUMEROUS calls that were coming in about the loud burglar alarm going off in the neighborhood.

Finally, about 4 hours later, my mom returned to a blaring burglar alarm.  Needless to say, my grounding was extended and phone privileges were taken away as well. 

I don’t know if Moms always know best, but they always KNOW!

– Liz, Roanoke
 

A Good Mom Knows Her Ethyl Alcohol 62%

My mother is the official unofficial representative of waterless hand sanitizers. As long as it serves its purpose, brand isn’t necessarily important. Neither is the dispensing method. Foams, gels, sprays, individually packaged handi-wipes…it doesn’t matter. There’s really just one requirement: they must kill all microscopic organisms that may potentially hinder the health of my mother’s loved ones.

Don’t let her multiple pairs of Crocs fool you. They aren’t just for gardening, they’re for germ slaughtering. She uses that rubber-soled friction to get to you before the disease. Got a cold, “Do your hands.” Touch money, “Use this.” You realize that someone may have sneezed within 10 feet of the person you stood next to in line at the K&W Cafeteria, “Don’t touch a thing until you get out the wipes.” My mom is a warrior, a real germ-killing machine armed at every level.

One of the major guiding principles my mother has spent 30 years teaching me is this: “You don’t know where people have been.” With the advent of hand sanitizers, her lessons can now go with me anywhere in the form of travel-sized waterless antiseptics.

Of course there are the naysayers. You know, the scientific research and “official” findings that these gels and lotions actually kill useful bacteria and organisms. And this may be true. But all I know is my mom has never steered me wrong. Sure, eliminating 99.9% of germs on your person may be “overkill,” but I will risk facts to show my undying support to my mother. Everything that lady does is because she loves her family so much.

And that is why I would do more than take a bullet for my mom—I’d take a germ.

-Lorie, Roanoke
 

"Mom's Best Friend" (and the advice he didn't take)

-Shaun Amanda, Richmond

Comments

[Kim]

Here are a few of my favorites from my raised-in-the-country Mom:

If you cross the eyes and fall off the front proch, your eyes will "stick" and be permanately crossed. This was always repeated with confidence because it happened to her cousin Jimmy when he was 8.

Never plant ivy in your yard because it will "draw snakes."

As soon as you hang the sheets on the clothes line, it will rain.